After Passion things went back to normal. I continued going to school and working. It was one of those camp moments where it felt like my fire I found at Passion started to fizzle away. Ever had that? Yeah, me too.
I look back and the reason I went back to my day to day routine is because I literally had no clue where or when God was going to move me. So, instead of sitting around waiting for God to unlock the new door I continued to do the best I could where I was. For most that might be difficult, but for me it was easy because I honestly wasn’t ready to leave.
I wanted to stay.
Even though I was completely happy with my students, program, leaders, etc., there were still the connections that were slowly killing my spirit. There were things said, things done, and tears cried behind the veil. Between January and April I pulled from my 3 Wing (enneagram) and put on a mask to hide the pain I was feeling. As the days moved slowly I started to realize that I needed God to move soon. I needed God to show me where to go after I finished my masters degree. I started crying out to him.
My requests turned to begging — pleading as my aniexty got worse and the panic attacks started. They were small until April hit. I had a massive aniexty attack in the middle of watching Avengers Infinite Wars with my brother. I missed the ending because I had to leave.
I didn’t understand.
Why would God tell me I was going to leave soon and four months later there I was, crying on a bench outside of the AMC in Jefferson Pointe, while my brother just sat there helpless to what I was going through. Not but 2 weeks after the incident is where God started to show me my next steps, but I don’t want to focus on that today. I want to sit in these Still Waters with you for a moment.
That 4 months in my life felt like I was stranded on a sail boat with no wind to move me forward. I was literally waiting for the wind to move me and all around me was still quiet waters. Looking back I can see what God was doing and no it wasn’t just teaching me patience because He had been working on that with me for the past 7 years. No, God wanted me to be still too.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;Psalm 46:10
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
He wanted me to join the stillness and trust Him because He is bigger than the aniexty I was facing. He is bigger than the pain I was sitting in. HE IS BIGGER. “Be still and KNOW.” I would love to say that I got that message after the big attack, but then I would be lying. I didn’t get it until after my April trip.
There are many of you who might be sitting in the still waters waiting for God to stir up the wind and I want you to know something.
GOD. SEES. YOU.
He has not abandoned you. He is preparing something. You just need to sit in the stillness and wait on him. There is another great verse in the Psalms (there are many to be honest):
“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.”Psalm 130:5-6
This verse described perfectly where I was. I was waiting for the morning more than the watchman and if you identify with this verse acknowledge that to your Heavenly Father. He loves you and wants to hear from you. So would I. If this is you and you need prayer as you sit in your own Still Waters comment below or message me. Until next time.