Have you ever heard of Passion? And no, not the feeling or the emotion, but the conference for college students and young adults in Atlanta? It is AMAZING! Seriously check it out!
But anyway, this past year I went with our College and Young Adult group as a leader. I really didn’t want to or thought I could go, but our College Pastor told me I should at least try. Now, this wasn’t my first conference and I knew how amazing it was, but I am 31 (30 at the time) and I was not in the same stage of life as most of the people going. But I prayed about it and talked to my boss. He had no problem with it, so I made the arrangements and headed out to Atlanta with 30-50 other people.
There were MANY memorable moments, but the one that will stay with me forever was during the first worship session, because it changed the course of my journey. Sean Curran was in my venue during that session and he sang a new Passion song called Bigger Than I Thought. If you have not heard it, the video to watch it with lyrics is below.
In the first few seconds the lyrics start like this: “Find your freedom (repeat a few times) / Speak to me when the silence stills my voice / you understand me.” Hearing those few lines I broke apart right there in the third row from the stage. Sobs and sobs took over my body as I sat in those lines. Those lines I didn’t just hear from Sean who was singing it up on stage, but I heard it in my heart from my Heavenly Father.
“I understand you” – God
Now, I am a believer and this wasn’t a big redemption moment from my sins and I am telling that story. This is a different story. This is a girl who felt trapped and broken by some people around her. This is about a girl who felt like she was walking on eggshells and could never leave, because if she did who would love and pastor her students. I had doubts and fears about ever leaving the students and the home I loved with all my heart. But as I sobbed and listened to the words Sean was singing to us, there was a part I couldn’t sing right away.
“So I throw all my cares before You
My doubts and fears don’t scare You
You’re bigger than I thought You were
You’re bigger than I thought
I stop all negotiations
With the God of all creation
You’re bigger than I thought You were”
Every time he sang that my mouth couldn’t form the words, because I realized there I wasn’t doing that. I was negotiating by allowing myself to stay in a place where I felt like I had to change who I was, so I could continue to pastor kids I have known for almost 6 years. I vividly can pull the moment from my mind, because as my heart acknowledged it I heard God whisper: “It is okay to leave. I got them.”
After hearing that I embraced it fully. It was like the Holy Spirit took over my lips and I sang out the chorus with everything inside of me.
That day I recieved a peace that surpasses all human understanding. I knew I was going to be moving on, I just didn’t know when or where, but God knew I needed that little insight into what was coming so I didn’t feel racked with guilt when the opportunity did finally arise.
So as I am about to (actually I am already there because I am posting this after the move) embark on my new journey I hold onto the lines “I will rest in the Father’s hands /
Leave the rest in the Father’s hands” as turn the page into the new chapter of the ministry God has blessed me with.
I know I am not the only one, specifically the only woman, who has felt like you can’t speak up or out about frustrations where you at. My prayer is that God gives you the strength, protection, and courage to speak to someone! I would love to hear your story! Tell me in the comments below or message me privately in the contact form (click here for that)!